Caregiving & Impossible Choices
My dad chose medical assistance in dying (MAID) and died the day after his birthday in July 2020.
He had moved into a care home earlier that spring, as COVID was breaking out. The hospitals didn’t have room for him, and our family was in crisis. We spent the next several months visiting outside his window and said goodbye on his final day from the other side of a pane of glass.
I still play out scenarios in my mind and probably will for the rest of my life – that maybe if things had been different, we’d have had him here with us longer.
That maybe if I was a different kind of daughter, I’d have done anything to take care of him myself.
My mom assures me that my dad didn’t want that; he didn’t want any of his four children to have to sacrifice to look after him.
I know, or my logical side knows, that I couldn’t have provided what he needed. Physically, I wouldn’t have managed. And it wouldn’t have been safe for him or anyone else.
I would have had to leave my job or gone on an extended leave. That wasn’t financially possible for myself and my husband.
And in the deepest recesses of my heart – however much I loved my dad, I didn’t want to give up my own life. I didn’t want to take a step back in my career. I wasn’t strong enough to witness up close as his mind faded away and body collapsed.
These are the hard truths and the impossible decisions that caregivers face every day.
My dad removed himself from the equation. Because his suffering was intolerable, yes, but also so that his family didn’t have to make those choices.
April 1 was National Caregiver Day in Canada, and I’m sending so much love to people caring for family members, and to all the people who are caregivers in a professional capacity.
We need to treasure those among us who can hold space for the full range of the human experience, however difficult.
And we need more supports, deeper community, and improved social systems, so that nobody need care for their loved ones alone.
April is also Parkinson’s Awareness Month – check out The Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson's Research to learn about improved therapies and ways to support finding a cure.