Reticular Activating System

“I just don’t like them and I know it shows on my face!”

Listen, you don’t have to like everyone. Really. It’s ok.

But you do have to work with them. They might be your co-worker, your boss, your project partner, your colleague on the exec team.

I’ve had this conversation with a lot of people, both friends and clients. How can you stay professional when someone is driving you up the wall?

There might be unresolved conflict, which is another topic altogether. And just to be clear: I’m not talking about people who are causing you harm through bullying, microaggressions, harassment, or abuse. That’s not a personality clash; that’s a safety issue.

I’m talking about the people who just... irritate you. The ones you don't like but still have to collaborate with.

When that happens, try two things:

• Get curious. Why are they behaving that way? Are they insecure about their role? Do they communicate differently than you? Are they under pressure you’re not aware of? What might make them the way they are?

• Look inward. Is something about their behaviour butting up against your values? Do they remind you (consciously or not) of a difficult family member or past boss? What’s your reaction really about?

This is where your brain’s Reticular Activating System (RAS) comes in. The RAS is a network of neurons in your brainstem that acts as a filter for information. It helps determine what you notice and pay attention to.

So if you’ve labelled someone as annoying, lazy, or arrogant, your RAS will confirm that belief. It will filter in every eyeroll, every awkward email, every minor frustration, and filter out the neutral or even positive interactions.

In other words: what you focus on, you see more of.

The next time a co-worker’s face pops up on Zoom and your gut reaction is, “ugh THIS guy,” try shifting gears and ask yourself, “Huh. What’s that about?”

Simple, neutral, curious.

I’m not saying this is easy. It’s hard work to examine your own reactions and rewire how you respond, but it is possible.

Want support that goes beyond the surface level? Book a call and let’s chat.