Boundaries & Consequences

QUESTION

“I have no problem setting boundaries at work, but I struggle with the aftermath of someone who just doesn't listen or respond. How can I manage this type of relationship in a way that doesn't become contentious and at the same time preserves my integrity?”

ANSWER

So you’ve done the work to identify your boundaries and taken a brave step to establish them at work. You’ve communicated them clearly. But what happens when someone simply doesn’t listen?

This is where it gets challenging. It would be great if everyone just respected our boundaries and never pushed back!

Start by checking in with yourself and ask: what are the consequences, for that person, of your boundaries being ignored?

It’s probably clear what the consequences are for you – perhaps you’re feeling overwhelmed, disrespected, frustrated.

But if you haven’t identified, communicated, and followed through with consequences for the other person, well, you don’t have a boundary. You have a complaint.

DRAWING THE LINE

Let’s say you’ve told your team that you don’t answer work messages past 5 p.m. You need that time to pick up your kids, recharge, and be present with your family. But despite your clear communication, the messages keep rolling in. Worse, you find yourself answering emails and texts anyway, in the grocery store lineup, or while waiting in a parking lot to pick up your spouse.

You’re getting angry. “I told them I wasn’t available! They’re not listening to me!”

But here’s the hard truth: if you keep responding, you’re showing them the boundary doesn’t really exist. Boundaries are not about controlling other people’s actions; they’re about defining your own.

If someone messages you after 5 p.m. and you don’t respond, they eventually learn to plan ahead or adjust their expectations.

That is the consequence; a natural outcome of your choice to protect your time and energy.

WHY WE STRUGGLE WITH BOUNDARIES

Saying "don’t respond after 5" is one thing. Sitting with the discomfort of doing nothing when a message comes in? That’s the harder part. And it can feel particularly risky when there are power dynamics at play, and someone has influence over your career or livelihood.

It’s also difficult if you’re someone who has been rewarded for being accommodating, responsive, and “easy to work with.” Many of us, especially women, caregivers, neurodivergent professionals, and people with marginalized identities, have been conditioned to equate self-sacrifice with professional success.

If guilt, fear, or shame comes up for you when you're holding a boundary: you're not alone. “What will they think of me? Will I be seen as unreliable, inflexible, difficult?”

Those concerns are completely valid. But remember: the people who get upset about you establishing boundaries are the ones who benefited from you having none.

NO BOUNDARIES? WELCOME TO BURNOUT

Every time you push past your limits, you’re telling yourself that your needs are negotiable.

Answering that late-night message, saying yes when you meant no, pushing through when you needed res. One time might not matter. But when it becomes a pattern, overwork turns into chronic stress and, eventually, burnout.

Burnout doesn’t happen because of one bad day or one difficult person. It’s the accumulation of internalized pressure, blurred boundaries, and the slow erosion of your energy over time.

Boundaries are your burnout prevention plan in action. They protect your time, your energy, and your capacity to show up in a way that’s sustainable.

BOUNDARIES IN ACTION

What do you do when someone keeps pushing? Pause and reflect:

• Have I been clear and consistent in holding this boundary?

• Have I explained why this boundary matters (if it’s safe to do so)?

• Is there a pattern here? Do they ignore others’ boundaries too?

Depending on the answers, your next step might vary. If it’s a colleague who is usually respectful, a quick reminder might help: "Just a heads-up, I’m offline after 5, but I’ll follow up tomorrow."

If it’s someone in a more senior position, and a direct response doesn’t feel safe, you might hold your boundary quietly: turning off notifications, pausing email access, or setting up an auto-response.

And if you have the capacity, consider what might be going on for the other person. Do you have differing values, cultural norms, or workplace stressors?

This doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your needs or dial back on your boundary. But it might help you understand their reaction and figure out how to communicate your needs in a way that makes sense to them.

A NOTE ON SAFETY

For many people, especially those navigating marginalization or precarious employment, setting boundaries can come at a cost. Be cautious if asserting yourself could result in retaliation, hostility, or harm. You are not “failing” at boundaries. You are adapting to survive.

In those situations, it’s okay to protect yourself. Seek support where you can, from allies, mentors, or trusted friends. Consider what quiet boundaries you can hold, even if others need to remain unspoken for now.

Your integrity isn’t measured by how loud or public your boundaries are. It’s in the care you take to honour your own limits, even in small ways.

CONCLUSION

When someone ignores your boundaries, you face a choice: bend to avoid discomfort or stand firm to protect your peace. Remember, boundaries are not about punishing others; they’re about preserving what matters most to you.

Hold steady. The people who truly respect you will learn to respect your boundaries too. And for those who don’t? Their disappointment isn’t your responsibility.

Do you have a question that’s keeping you up at night? Send me a message for future topics to be answered in Ask A Coach.